I don't hate the religious, I hate the religion

I had planned to post another response to the "reasons" I ultimately know that will come from Christians as to why I am no longer a Christian. However, after listening to some sermons from those I dearly love and respect, I thought this was the time to address another issue before I move forward with those "reasons". This is an aspect of my coming out that is truly important to me and one that I believe accents the true struggle of those of us that come out go through. We love people. We love the Christians we have known and know. We love our families and we love our friends. We ache at the thought that they will be hurt by the news that we no longer believe. We also ache that the only answer those we love will have is that we have been taken over by a demonic force, we are selfish and arrogant, we think we are our own god, etc. We were once there with you/them and believed the same things. It truly broke our hearts to see others walk away.  In a way we understand where you/they are coming from.We therefore have little to no room to judge you for judging us. We want to be kind and very respectful to you and your beliefs because we honestly love and respect you as people. Not to mention we believed what you believe at one time. Yet to a degree we know you will not in any way shape or form extend the same back. At best you will say you do not hate the sinner...you hate the sin. You still love us, yet you hate what we do, what we believe, we are lost, we are naive, we are possessed or influenced by demons, and  we ignore all that is around us and have willingly chosen to join forces with the dark side,..the enemy. You love us, yet you hate all we believe, all we stand for, all we are. And so I suppose that is the best approach I have to offer you all as far as  where I am is this. I  love you all. I love my Christian friends.  I love my Christian family. I would happily help any of you in any way that I had means to. I would die for many of you. I do not think I am in anyway smarter than you, more educated than you, more evolved than you, or in anyway superior. I don't ask that you suspend your beliefs and in anyway say what I believe is true. You believe I will spend eternity in hell, and I still love you and understand that you must believe that. I believe you are caught up in archaic beliefs that are designed and re designed to help you cope with life. I believe the bible is damn near comical in some ways, and evil in others. Can you accept me and respect where I am? Or am I an idiot and demon possessed and you don't want to be near me for fear my demons may in some way influence you or your people? Do you truly love me and accept me for who I am and what I believe and don't believe? Or, must you stand and say to me...you have been taken over by the devil and you will spend eternity in hell and I can't have you around me?. I suppose what is interesting is that many of the Christians I have known and respected, I would still respect and accept sound advice from. Many are sound and very wise people. I would trust that their advice would be sound and that if I followed it I would likely be safe if not successful. The only difference is that it has nothing to do with god...or Jesus...or the bible. I would submit to your leadership still to this day because you are otherwise wise people and great leaders. I will never submit to your god or your religion. Ever. I think it is sick and twisted. I do however respect you. And yes I know to reject your god and religion is to reject you.  You will say that you and your god are one and to reject one is to reject the other. However do not accuse me of being arrogant and rebellious and one to reject authority. I do not. Do not accuse me of one to hate Christians as I do not.  I respect you and accept that your beliefs are different and believe that you are still otherwise intelligent. Will you extend me the same courtesy? Probably not...you can't. Your beliefs command that I be rejected as a fool. Rebellious and arrogant.Clueless and blind to all of the evidence that is before me. What should I do with that? Attempt to save you so you can realize how much better life is when you realize how fake and false  what you believe truly is? Should I spend energy hoping that you will be able to experience the real truth? That  would be arrogant. I have no cause or urgency that requires me to tell you to not believe or to  share with you what I have found on the other side. And yet you are commanded to do so to live out what you believe. So I accept your arrogance and your arrogant beliefs, and I love you. I accept that your beliefs, your bible, and your lord leave no room other than to say you are right, and I am wrong. Again I accept your arrogance, and I will continue to love you. I ask that you please respect my humility in that I only claim what I have experienced in my personal life.Sure, I could be wrong. Possibly I got it wrong? I in no way claim it is right for you. I will never call you naive for believing what you do. I do not hate your religious behavior...I hate your religion. Does that set well with you? It does not set well with me when you say you don't hate me, you hate my sin, my beliefs, my naivity, my disrepsect, etc. I am me. I am going to spend eternity burning according to you. Yet, I will at least attempt to be more respectful to you and your beliefs...regardless of how primitive, archaic, and down right ignorant they may be. I will never hate you, just your religion. Get it? I don't hate the sinner, I hate the sin...it is not as kind as it sounds to you.

You were never really a christian

I thought it might be best and most efficient to continue to tell my story and experiences that lead me away from Christianity from an sample of rebuttals I will likely get from Christians . We all get the same ones. They are all very predictable, and all quite disrespectful in their own way. One of the most common and by far most disrespectful I believe is to say that I was never really a christian.  Many will say it is impossible to truly experience Jesus and then willfully walk away.  As I stated in my first post, I was not on the sidelines of Christianity. I gave it all I had.There is no doubt in my mind I pursued it with vigor and experienced all there is to experience. And I believed it was real. I put forth the same arguments you will likely greet me with. I thought atheism or the belief in anything outside of what I believed and experienced was naive and borderline ignorant. To make the proverbial long story short, here is a sample of things I either experienced or did as a christian.

• Had the word Faith tattooed into my arm with a crown of thorns around it
• Spoke in tongues
• Prayed for physical healing with the laying on of hands
• Participated in prophetic ministry
• Tithed regularly and faithfully 10% of my gross income
• Lead bible study in my home as a small group leader (seen as a lay pastor or deacon if you will)
• Lead teams of people at church in other areas
• Physically helped to clear land for a new church building
• Went to conferences, retreats, and other functions outside of "regular" church attendance
• Watched TBN
• Sent money to TBN
• Drove to TBN location in Tennessee to see preachers
• Did not allow my children to watch or listen to anything that was not christian or wholesome in my eyes
• Felt the presence of the holy spirit
• Worshipped with hands in the air, and sometimes weeping
• Heard the "voice of god"
• Felt the physical presence of demons
• Made life decisions based on what god was telling me as well as those that prophesied over me

The list goes on and on.  And of course I now do not believe any of the above were actually what I thought they were.This was not a short time period either. The things above took place over a period of about 10 years. In addition I was raised in church.

The quick and convenient answer when someone walks away from Christianity is "Well, you obviously were never really a christian." For those of us that have walked away, this statement is not only very illogical but quite disrespectful. At the same time I must confess, I look at it almost from the same perspective as the Christian may. What happened? Why did I do this? Why did I spend so much time, money, and effort chasing something I now believe to be untrue? I suppose this blogging adventure my bring me closer to some of those answers, and possibly enlighten those that read it who may be in the same position.I also sincerely hope it offers something for the christian. I am not the only one. Your church is full of us. And sooner or later you are going to hear this story again...and again...again. How will you deal with it? I have some idea in that I have seen it dealt with in the church. And I doubt I will sway your approach if you are a Christian and/or a pastor. I firmly believe you will deal with it more and more however.

I suppose "You were never a christian" is possibly a logical and correct answer should that be as far as you want to explore. And for the time being I will accept that if you wish use that as your final conclusion. I will only say that if that is true, then you are not a Christian now. I was just like you. So we must accept that both you and I were not/are not Christians, or reject them both. I think it is most logical and productive to reject them and move on and see if we or I can possibly find a more suitable answer down the road.

My name is David, and I am not a........................

While I can't recall a specific date or time, I remember the day well. I was standing in my kitchen leaning against a cabinet when I finally accepted a truth about myself that I had struggled with  for the past several years. I had been living a lie for a good portion of my life, and I was ready to admit that to myself. While there was somewhat of a liberating feeling associated with this revelation, I was not quite ready to reveal it to anyone else. In fact, my inner struggle centered around whether I would ever reveal it to anyone  at all. When I weighed the potential costs, it seemed just keeping it a secret would be best option overall. It was likely that my marriage would not survive. While I thought my wife might in someway understand if not appreciate the truth, it was doubtful she would wish to continue in the marriage, especially if I went public. I thought  my children would ultimately accept me for who I was, however there would likely be a period where they would be confused as well. I also considered how it might ultimately have an impact on their daily lives. They might likely lose friendships in that parents may not want their children around me in fear that I may in some way try to make them like me. Having a love and passion for coaching, I considered the fact that I may not be able to coach in my small community. They may not outwardly say I could not coach because of who I was, however the coaching slots may quickly be filled and I may just not be needed anymore. There would be countless friends and family who would be hurt by finding out who I was.  I had truly come to an acceptance of who I was, and again  it was quite liberating. It was the pain and awkwardness that others would feel that made me contemplate living the rest of my life with my secret. The potential loss of friends and family was gut wrenching. The acceptance that I had lived so much of my life trying to be someone I was not was made me feel like a liar and a cheat.  I could just stay quiet and continue to live as I had been, lying to myself and lying to others. It would certainly avoid a great deal of controversy, pain, change, and anger. And so at least for the time, that is what I chose to do. Go through the motions of life denying who I was and what I believed.

I suppose someone who has contemplated revealing the fact that they are a homosexual might very well identify with the feelings I have just described. I would guess that there is a long period of time where you must wrestle with and weigh the costs of coming out. However this was not an inner struggle about coming out as a homosexual. I am quite comfortable and confident in my heterosexuality. I do however feel I am at least one step closer to understanding the painful struggle many homosexual individuals must go through and the costs they too must weigh in coming out.  I am not sure it is precisely the same, however there are at a minimum many similarities I would assume.

And so this blog and this journey will both begin with the following statement. My name is David Kirk. And I am no longer a christian (and by christian definition...never was).

I hope that you will follow the rest of the journey as I believe it has something to offer the pastor and the pagan. I believe it has much to offer those that may find themselves in the position I have found myself in at the age of 40. I certainly can't share it all in one post. I have spoken in tongues (or believed I did). I have been physically held to my bed by a demon (or thought I was). I have lead bible studies in my home, laid hands on others in prayer. I have felt the presence of the holy spirit (or thought I did).  I have sacrificed time and money for the advancement of the kingom. I was not a sideline christian. I was in the action so to speak. I again believe that it offers some credibility to the story, and something for all should they choose to see it. I plan to explore all of that in this blog, as well as my general thoughts about religion in general. I do not wish for this to become a debate on the existance of god or the truth or falsness of the bible. I do not wish it to become an anti christian or anti religious rant. Debate will likely come about, and I certainly enjoy a good debate. I certainly won't be kind or flattering to christianity or religion in general. It is not however the mission to simply attack those who do not believe as I now do. I hope you will find something for yourself in my journey...whomever you are, wherever you may be, and wherever you may be headed.